Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.