Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
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Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I have so many questions.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.