Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
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[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with