Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
You Might Also Like
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”