Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.