Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
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What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…