Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
You Might Also Like
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…