@haveigotnews: Apple launches new phone with no headphone jack, making it ideal for enjoying the free U2 album.
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@heatherlou_: These people act like they've never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
@Cryptoterra: it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying "pasta la vista, baby" to people. why would you put that on a resume
@mikealfredcaine: shave your dog in the winter so he stands out in the crowd. if you lose him u can easily describe him as the cold bald dog
@MatMarcotte12: I don't normally shit with the door open but I don't want to miss the in flight movie