Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
You Might Also Like
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
“I FIXED IT!”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something