Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
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Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
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I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
This is a sub tweet
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.