[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
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Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
#ParentingFacts
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
HELP 😭
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.