Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
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Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
*3.5 thank you very much.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.