Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
You Might Also Like
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist