Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Love is in the air fryer.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.