You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
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think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
❤️🦆
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.