@TheFakeCNN: Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
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@comer310: How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea Me: *rocks boat* Her: Hey! Me: *rocks faster* Her: Can we PLEASE go steady? Me: I do.
@SteveSackington: If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher, where would you hide it?
@sbrooks13: Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I'm SUPER focused on my depression.
@OutOnTheMoors: "Suddenly, my hair collapsed." - And I started to regret offering to edit my friend's first novel.