@kelkulus: Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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@AlexvanBeek: When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
@doktorj: Me: "Can you go back four slides?" Bride: "To the wedding dress?" Me: "No, the cheese plate." Me: Wipes tears.
@Its_Miss_Riss: I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.