Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
January has been Januweary
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.