Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
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Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Same pineapple, same
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Schrödinger’s cookie
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery