@shutupmikeginn: applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: I'm tired of you living in a fantasy world ME: *imagining she's Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
@wendchymes: Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman's hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
@blade_funner: ME: *slamming desk with fist* You'll put this up over my dead body! FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It's a lovely headstone. ME: It really is.
@RealSugarFree: I play a drinking game where i drink everytime i get an answer right on Jeopardy. Its a good way to stay sober.