applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
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My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
*frowns in Scottish*
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*