[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
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When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.