vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
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Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Haha! 😂
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.