*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
One of the best
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one