*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
You Might Also Like
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken