My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
You Might Also Like
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
At least he brought enough for everyone
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine