I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
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I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.