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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Worth a try
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…