@markleggett: Approach a woman in a bar and whisper "Hey, wanna get out of here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
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@gringothespice: Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour's lawn mower. He'll just have to mow around me, I'm not moving.
@McGrumpenstein: *Ancient Egypt* Me: My abacus won’t work IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird Me: Nothing IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
@Brianhopecomedy: I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old's burp.
@tacsanitchiban: Whenever someone says "let's get weird" my first thought is "I'm already there"