*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
kids play hide and seek like
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.