[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
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cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
🤣🤣🤣
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Good morning!
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.