*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
#Caturday
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were