*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
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me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]