God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!