[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
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Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?