satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
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4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Does this dress make me look cat?
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?