[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
You Might Also Like
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
if my sleeping schedule was a person
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.