*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
FRED: right
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
#merica
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
real
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.