*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
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Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
😂😂😂
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I feel it
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
This is my emotional support knife.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there