[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
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I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…