Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
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An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
This kid is going places
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”