[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
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Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.