April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
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[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
concern
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.