April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.