April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
(Musicians.)
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys