April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”