Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM