Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.