Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
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Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Effort made
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]