TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
You Might Also Like
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don鈥檛 know what it鈥檚 for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Once again I鈥檝e been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I鈥檇 scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I鈥檓 not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we鈥檝e checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…