[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
You Might Also Like
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
A man of commitment.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either