@UncleDuke1969: Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up? Me: Yeah. Wife: Good. Me: Why? Wife: No reason. Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Here, taste this.

@david8hughes: Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please Arresting officer: no

@Sarcasticsapien: Coworker: You're so condescending and arrogant. Me: They mean the same thing so you didn't need to say both.

@AndrewChamings: [proctologist’s office] ME: *unzipping pants nervously* PROCTOLOGIST: You're nervous, that's normal, but please zip my pants back up.

@sirmunchie: Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question. Boss: Better than anyone else I know...