@jctwritesstuff: Me: It's late. Go to sleep. Brain: K. Me: Brain: Me: *kinda dozing off* Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

@NotthatAdamWest: "Dear God, make me a bird, so I can..." *turns into penguin* "DAMMIT I WASN'T FINISHED!"

@Jake_Vig: "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave." "But after that I'm not responsible for any more room charges, correct?"

@ch000ch: hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it's over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

@cjwerleman: Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.