[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.