*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
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DOOO EEEET
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Jokes on them. I took 10.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.